CULT TO SACRIFICE VIRGINS AT MOUNT SAINT HELENS
by Colleen Smith, Staff Reporter
Since late 2004, Mt. St. Helens has been rumbling, and sometimes spewing small amounts of ash. A new lava dome is rising higher and higher. Many have offered scientific explanations for this, but I met a group in Washington putting forth a metaphysical one. "The Volcano God is angry and must be appeased, or an eruption of apocalyptic proportions will ensue! The only sacrifices that will be acceptable are virgins." These are the words of a man calling himself Rama Ho Lama, the leader of the Washington State volcano cult called Children of the Great Firey One. The good news is that any virgin is acceptable. They don't have to be pretty young girls.
"In Prayer" said Ho Lama, "Volcano God told us that any death of humans that have not reproduced will please him. We plan to infiltrate GENCON and renaissance festivals. They are full of dorks who live in their mothers' basements, and have never even kissed a girl. While they probably would never reproduce anyway, we are pleased to learn that they are acceptable to Him. He prefers pretty young girls, but one of them may be substituted by ten unattractive men. Their destruction amuses The Great Firey One.
I asked him why he wasn't considering Star Trek conventions as a source of virgins. Rama Ho Lama said "Now let's be serious. Nobody cares about that Star Dreck crap any more! Have you ever seen Voyager or Enterprise? Even the sorriest mama's boys have better things to do. We haven't totally given up on Sci-Fi though. The new Battlestar Galactica may yet be a source of sacrificial lambs. We will watch fans of that franchise for prospects."
Dorks and dweebs everywhere need to beware. This cult means business. They are convinced that if their deity is not appeased in time, Mt. St. Helens will only be the beginning. Volcanoes thought to be extinct will awake, new ones will form. The whole world will be set ablaze, and then frozen as ash clouds blot out the sun. Your only hope is to stop being a dork, and get a girlfriend at once! This may be an impossible task, but unless you want to be a source of cruel amusement to The Great Firey one, you had better get to it. And, by the way, This reporter is not on the meet market, so don't even ask.