by Naven Jones, freelance investigative journalist

perfume bottles Have you ever been accosted by aggressive young men and women trying to sell you perfume and cologne? They usually operate in the parking lots of malls and shopping centers, and practically pounce on people. Sometimes, they even bother us at work, a major annoyance. The offer is always the same: knock-offs of popular name brand fragrances at bargain prices. Why don't they just sell them in stores? Are they up to something dishonest?

After two years of undercover investigations, I have discovered the shocking truth. Those imitations of popular designer fragrances are part of secret chemical and biological weapons tests being performed upon the innocent public without our knowledge or consent. All those young ladies and gentlemen who bother you while shopping, or on your lunch hour are unaware of what they are really doing. They are only trying to make a buck, but are often under the influence of mind control agents. This explains their almost religious belief that you must have their product, and their aggressive behavior.

As outrageous as this sounds, it is happening. Shady and secret organizations with only loose ties to the U.S. government, and other nations' governments are developing mind-control drugs, lab created diseases, and other unspeakable horrors. They are probably not loyal to the governments who initially contract with them, and would likely sell the weapons they develop to anyone!

My research has uncovered that the most common substance being tested is meant to bring about mindless obedience. This could be used to make an army of zombie-like soldiers who will do exactly as they are told, even if ordered to commit unspeakable atrocities. It could also be employed to make the population at large meek and easily controlled. This experimental agent often does not work as designed, and causes forms of insanity such as paranoia, schizophrenia, and frightening delusions. Many of the people being admitted to mental institutions have been exposed. They most often are running from an imagined fear they are sure is out to get them. Many have abandoned their former lives and become homeless drifters. They jump onto freight trains, sneak onto busses, or are constantly hiding.

The second most common thing being tested in these fragrances is a vaccine resistant strain of an Influenza-like engineered germ that is almost certainly responsible for the recent flu outbreaks. That is why flu shots for the winter of 2003/2004 were so ineffective.

What should you do if fragrance pushers approach you? It can be challenging to convince a salesman that you don't want or need his product, but be insistent. Do not purchase any of their products, and if you already have them, throw them away! Telling them you are allergic to clerk spraying perfume fragrances is one good approach, but it won't always stop their sales pitch. Many will suggest spraying the perfume or cologne on your clothing, instead of your skin. Don't believe them. That would not stop an allergic substance from irritating you, and allergies will be the least of your problems if you are exposed to these chemical and biological agents masquerading as fragrances. Whatever you do, do not let them spritz or spray you with anything. If they do it anyway, get away. Go home, or back to your hotel if you are traveling. Bathe and wash your clothes at once. This should eliminate any agents meant to be absorbed through the skin. Unfortunately, inhaled agents may have already entered your system. Awareness that you may have been exposed, and remaining calm can counteract these agents to some degree. Mind over matter is a powerful thing. Also, drinking a lot of liquids can help flush the substances away before they can do harm.

If the effect the mind-control drug was designed to cause hits you, you will feel an urge to do anything that is suggested to you. Many have gone on spending sprees buying anything they see or hear advertised, bankrupting themselves with things they don't really need. Will power can beat this urge. Remember, mind over matter.

If the unintended side effects of the substance hit, you can expect to experience paranoia and delusional thinking. You may start to think you are being followed, or being watched. You may get delusional notions, such fearing you are in danger from your own dog or cat. Relax. Fluffy and Spot are not going to kill you. You may begin to fear ghosts or alien abduction when such thoughts never troubled you before. You may even feel an urge to flee. That is the drug talking. There is no boogeyman after you. Try to relax, and drink lots of fluids.

Now that you are aware of what those people aggressively marketing perfume and cologne are really up to, don't keep it a secret. Spread the word. Together, we can stop this conspiracy in its tracks.

UPDATE: Half of winter 2004-2005's supply of flu vaccine was tainted, and has to be destroyed. There will be a serious shortage. Also, I am hearing chatter about something called  EIAU, apparently short for Engineered Influenza Aerosol Weapon. Now more than ever, avoid these perfume pushers!  -Naven Jones.