By Ben Radstein, Staff Reporter

A lot of people were upset when Paris Hilton was sentenced to jail time, but her fans started a petition to free her. Many feared that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger would take it seriously, and let her go. Juliet Lewis even started a counter-petition to have her crucufied. It is worded as follows: 

We hereby petition Honorable California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to impose a more appropriate sentence upon Paris Hilton than the 45 days in jail  slap-on-the-wrist she has received. She typifies many rich and famous people who feel that they are special, so the rules everyone else must abide by do not apply to them. An example must be made. I think the only way to do this is with a very public execution. We the undersigned recommend bringing back an ancient Roman method: crucifixion. Nail her up, we say! Nail some sense into her. This course will get all of those who think that they are special, and that the rules do not apply to them to think again.

It hit the news today that after 3 days, Paris Hilton is already free. I had a hunch that Juliet would have something to say about it, so I called her seeking comment.

Radstein: So Ms. Lewis, what do you have against Paris Hilton?

Lewis: She gets all kinds of unwarranted attention because she was born rich, and all kinds of ass kissing. They have made her think that she is special, and that the rules do not apply to her. She is not talented, nor even very good-looking. She only has a lot of money from her Grandfather, money she has done zilch to earn.

Radstein: Have you always hated her?

Lewis: No, I used to just not care about her. I never like the kind who think they are all that, and they can do whatever gets them off. She is just one of many. I really started to hate her when she drove drunk putting a lot of people in danger, got off with only probation and a suspended license, then drove without a license! Any ordinary person would be sent up the river for a good long time. What did she get? A 45 day sentence, and they didn't even haul her off and lock her up right then and there.

Radstein: So you would like to see her dead? You know, even if the state could execute someone for DUI and continuing to drive on a suspended license, they don't crucify people. That would be cruel and unusual punishment.

Lewis: I know that Governor Schwarzenegger can't literally do that. That is why I paraphrased Monty Python. I want her figuratively crucified. Something must be done to her to show her that she is not all that special, and the rules do apply to her. It needs to be extreme to set an example for others, and serve as a deterrent. A few days in a county jail without even having to mix with the rest of the inmates doesn't do that!

Radstein: So I guess that today's news has you beside yourself.

Lewis: I learned a painful lesson today. I am upset, but at least I have an answer to the questions I posed with my petition. Does the rule of law apply to everyone? Rich or poor, famous or unknown? Is there only one system of justice? The answer is a resounding "no". There are two systems of justice. The rules do not apply to the rich or the famous. They are special, and "do as thou willst" is the whole of the law for them.

Radstien: Does that make you jealous? Do you wish you were rich and famous, too?

Lewis: No. I just hope that when her continued reckless behavior eventually does her in, she at least doesn't take others to the grave with her. I feel the same way about Lindsay Lohan, her hanger-on of a mother, Britney Spears and all the others who seem to be on a dead end road. At least let them go alone.

I honestly expected some fire and anger from Juliet. Instead I got sadness, and an acceptance of defeat. I wonder how the rest of Paris Hilton's detractors are taking the news that she is free? Her fans have to be happy. They may even give credit to their petition.

Clarification: The subject of this article is not the famous actress Juliet Lewis, but another woman with the same name. What the more famous Lewis might think on this subject is unknown to The Uncoveror.