MARTHA STEWART'S CLASSIC CANDLES OF EUROPE CAUSING HOUSE FIRES

by Colleen Smith, staff reporter

Martha Stewart's company has been in bad hands since her incarceration. A new product line has gone disastrously wrong. Classic Candles of Europe was intended to be a "good thing" to decorate homes with an old world flair. This was no problem with Viennese Candles, Parisian Candles, Tuscan, Amsterdam, Cologne, Munich or Barcelona Candles; but Roman Candles have been a problem.

"Apparently", said an embarrassed Fire Marshall who asked that his town not be named, "No one at her company, or the stores selling them understood just what Roman Candles are. Neither did people in my town. They did not understand what they were buying, and put dangerous incendiary devices into their nicest candle holders, put them on display in their living rooms, and lit them! Needless to say, they didn't get the soft warm glow, and subtle scent they had bargained for." Reports are coming in from all over the country, and are always the same. Terrible house fires stating in the living room.

I have tried to get comments from Martha herself, but the federal women's prison in Alderson, West Virginia is not allowing many visits from the press. A spokesman for her company did speak to me. "We are so so so very sorry about this. We are not the kind of people who blow things up and burn things down to get our jollies! We honestly, as God is my witness, did not know that roman candles are fireworks."

One thing is for certain. When Martha gets out prison and back to work, heads will roll. She may even shoot sparks and flaming balls.

As a side note, disaster like this was narrowly averted in 2003 when Smirnoff, a maker of Vodka and other adult beverages was convinced not add Molotov cocktails to its line of ready-to-consume mixed drinks.

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