MADAME LAROQUE'S PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS UNSEALED
By Colleen Smith, Staff Reporter
At the end of 2006, famed New Orleans psychic, Madame Sophia LaRoque made her predictions for 2007. These were then sealed up in a bank vault for the year. Now that 2008 is here, we open her sealed prophesy to see if her predictions came true. M. Grant Winston, the Science Editor at The Uncoveror, says that I am a fool for paying any mind to this hokum; but I find it entertaining, so I am going ahead. Besides, newspapers everywhere have an astrology column.
I spoke to Madame Laroque by phone before opening the envelope to ask her about her predictions, and how long she has been making them. She told me that she had been a prophetess since she was a little girl, and that her grandmother noticed that she had the gift of second sight when she was only three. Since then, she has read the signs and portents of things to come. She said that she foresaw 2007 as a year of much death and sadness. Without further ado, I will now open the envelope and read her predictions.
In January, a woman shall become Speaker Of The House for the first time in Washington as her party comes to power. Also in that month, concerned scientists hoping to prevent world war shall move The Doomsday Clock ahead. It shall be five minutes to midnight.
In February, the model and actress Anna Nicole Smith shall die by a drug overdose, emulating her idol, Marilyn Monroe. The paternity of her infant daughter shall be in dispute. He will turn out not to be the one who first claimed the child. Also in that month, a NASA astronaut in a love triangle will attempt to kill her rival, causing scandal and shame.
So far, Madame LaRoque has been absolutely right. All of these things did happen. She only left out the names of Nancy Pelosi, Dannielynn, Larry Birkhead, Lisa Nowak and Colleen Shipman. These are small details.
In March, a man who gave us music and a man who made us laugh shall succumb to despair, and end their own lives. In April, the darkness and dread I see in my crystal ball have made me faint. I struggle to look at them. In a place of learning not far from the nation's capital, a highly disturbed young man will commit acts of great evil. His first act will be an unheeded warning. His later acts will bring terror beyond imagining. There will be much death.
In March, I am sure she means Brad Delp, the singer of Boston and comedian, Richard Jeni. In April, this must be the Virginia Tech massacre. What else could it be? Everything so far did indeed happen.
In May, a small English child shall go missing while her parents vacation in Europe. She shall not be found. In June, a famous fighter shall be found dead along with his wife and child. It will be revealed that he felled them in a rage, then himself in regret. Some will blame a doctor's bad medicine.
Those lines obviously refer to Madeline McCann and Chris Benoit.
In July, the final tale of a magical boy shall capture the imagination of readers around the world, and set records for sales of books.
Well, I guess you don't have to be psychic to foresee that Harry Potter will be huge. Not much of a prediction, but she hasn't been wrong yet.
In August, I see more darkness! The portents make me shudder. A bridge shall collapse during a busy hour over raging waters. Many shall perish.
This must be the bridge collapse over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Throughout the year, toys meant to amuse our children sent from the Far East shall instead be harmful to them. Many will cry when their toys are taken away. In September, also in the Far East, an uprising against tyrants will be violently suppressed. Not even monks shall be shown mercy by the soldiers.
Lead paint tainted Chinese toys: She saw them coming. She also predicted the unrest in Myanmar.
In October, fire shall come to the west coast. Many shall lose their homes, and some their lives. countless acres of forest land shall be burnt to ash. Across the nation throughout the year, many will also lose homes as they will be unable to afford them any more. The cost shall overwhelm so many.
She foresaw California wildfires and the subprime mortgage debacle. This is uncanny!
At years' end, a land once part of India shall be plunged into disarray after the assassination of a wise and powerful woman who once led them. Many will suspect the current ruler to be responsible for this outrage.
Madame Sophia LaRoque even predicted the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, the former Prime Minister of Pakistan who had just come out of exile. She even predicted that some would blame Musharraf.
That concludes her predictions for 2007 that were sealed at the end of 2006, and opened only today. Madame Sophia has also completed her prophesy for 2008, which has been sealed in an envelope and locked in a bank vault under the supervision of the auditing firm of Howell & Manley. In a year, I will open it and see how she did. If last year is any indication, then Madame Sophia LaRoque may be the greatest seer since Nostradamus.