In the wake of 9/11, some in Washington proposed a national ID plan. It would basically amount to US citizens and legal aliens having to carry a passport within their own country. The plan was not received well in Congress, and was left out of the USA Patriot act. President Bush has decided to revive the controversial plan with a shocking twist. Instead of issuing cards that we must carry at all times, each US citizen and legal alien will have a bar code of his or her unique national ID number tattooed on their right forearm, and forehead that can be electronically scanned. We learned this when speaking to a White House spokesman, hoping to learn more about Total Information Awareness. He refused to give us his name. 

"This new plan," he told us, "Is a necessary part of Homeland Security. We will be able to determine who is who at all times, and it will stop the terrorists cold. The police, or anyone else who needs to know, will be able to scan someone's bar code, and instantly know who they are, if they are wanted, if they are citizens, or here on visas, and other important information. Anyone who does not have the tattoos will be apprehended without hesitation. This information will be stored and tracked in  the Total Information Awareness database, which will run on a vast network of computers which we will call 'The Beast.' It will know everything about everyone, so no terrorist or criminal will be able to escape us." We pointed out that this sounded a lot like the urban legend of The Beast of Belgium, and he confirmed that it indeed was the inspiration for Total Information Awareness. We asked him why Bush does not want to just issue cards, he told us, "That was the original plan, but Vice President Cheney said that would not be adequate. He first suggested implanting microchips under the skin, but it was decided that tattoos would be less costly, and no one will be able to say they left their tattoos in their other pants.

The Total Information Awareness plan has terrified just about everyone who knows about it. DARPA has changed its menacing logo from the one pictured left, to the one on the right but the plan remains the same. Each purchase you make with a credit card, any magazine subscription you buy or drug prescription you fill, every Web site you visit and e-mail you send or receive, every grade you receive in school, every bank deposit or withdrawal, every trip you book and every event you attend: all these transactions and communications will go into a grand centralized database. No commerce of any kind will go unnoticed.

The White House spokesman went on to tell The Uncoveror. "The tattooed bar codes are really an integral part of the plan. Some malcontents and terrorist sympathizers may think they can escape notice by paying cash, or using someone else's credit card, but that will be foiled when their bar code is scanned. If someone buys Ammonium Nitrate, We will know they are making a bomb, and we will get them." The Uncoveror pointed out that Ammonium Nitrate is a fertilizer, and farmers have a legitimate reason to purchase it. He became agitated, and said, "Just like The President said, you are either with us, or with the terrorists. We aren't going to tolerate dissent from the media, Hollywood, liberals, or anyone else. To keep the ACLU, and such troublemakers at bay, President Bush will issue executive orders creating an obedience and compliance Czar, and loyalty oaths. We will ferret out fifth columnists."

We asked him what should we tell people afraid that this information could be abused, and he told us, "You can trust us, we are the government. There is no reason for a patriotic, law abiding American to ever distrust or question the government. We know better than you, and are quite capable of keeping track of the T.I.A. database. It is time for all Americans to accept that they must follow their leaders. Only then will we be able to win the war on terror. Once the system is online, no one will slip past us. Someone buys a copy of the Koran, and we will know they are Muslim terrorists. No one will be able to buy, sell or trade without having their tattoos scanned. The terrorists and criminals will quickly be in custody. Now before you start in with the Fourth Amendment, I'll recite it to you: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. That  amendment was written before September eleventh. We will decide what is reasonable. Search warrants are an eighteenth century anachronism that we have scrapped, and it's about damn time!" He then hung up on our reporter. We have not been able to get anyone to comment further.