UPDATED 12-1-2003: MICHAEL EISNER TO RENAME DISNEY AFTER HIMSELF

A lot has happened since we first interviewed Disney CEO Michael Eisner in 2002, and learned of his shocking plans. As he predicted, Roy Disney, the nephew of Walt Disney and the last of his relatives at the company he founded, is out. Eisner and his yes-men claim that he won't be re-nominated to the Board of Directors because he is 73, and mandatory retirement is at age 72. This is nonsense. He is out because he stood in the way of Michael Eisner's diabolical designs. Roy Disney isn't the only one leaving. Stanley P. Gold, also a member of the board and Eisner critic is out. Here is a link to Roy Disney's resignation letter, and Stanley Gold's Resignation letter. Has Eisner turned the Magic Kingdom into an evil empire? That is the picture these letters paint. The Uncoveror saw this coming. We are saddened, but not surprised.

Here is the original article from last year:

Picture: EisnerThe Uncoveror recently interviewed Michael Eisner, CEO of The Walt Disney Company. Our intention was to grill him about his labor practices, and lawsuits against daycare centers for the use of Disney characters. We got much more than we bargained for.

Uncoveror: We would like to know more about some accusations your critics have made about they way you run Disney. Specifically, we want to know if it is true that your company pays workers in sweatshops as little as six cents per hour. We also would like to know more about your lawsuits over the use of Disney characters, such as the ones against day care centers.

Eisner:
We have had some grousing from employees about low pay, and I will talk about the ways we protect our intellectual property, but let's not talk about that now. I want to tell you about my plans for the future. I made this company what it is today, and will continue to make it bigger, and more financially successful. The first thing I am going to do is rename Disney The Michael Eisner Corporation.

Uncoveror: The Disney name is possibly the most recognized trademark on the globe. Your name is not that well known. Don't you think that this move will diminish your market presence?

Eisner: When I first took Disney over in 1984, the company was in the dumps, and bleeding money. I personally turned it into a money machine. Aladdin, The Lion King, the Toy Story movies: you can thank me for all of them. It was my creative vision that made them hits. Why should my company still have some dead man's name on it?

Uncoveror
: So, Walt Disney is indeed dead? It is commonly believed that he is cryogenically frozen in Snow White's Castle.

Eisner: That cryonic chamber was costing me millions to maintain, so I pulled the plug on it, and auctioned it off. I donated the old man's carcass to science.

Uncoveror: I can't believe you! How could you do such a thing. What's next, are you going to kill off Mickey Mouse?

Eisner: I will do with my property as I see fit, whether tangible or intellectual. I am keeping the mouse. He's mine, and I make a lot of money from him.  A few schools and day care centers thought they could just paint Mickey on the wall without paying me, so I sued them. Someone told me that the mouse would go public domain by 2004, and then I wouldn't be able to sue day care centers any more, so I sent my lobbyists to Congress, and got the Sonny Bono Copyright extension passed. It is good to have members of Congress in your pocket, such as Fritz Hollings, Howard Berman, and Howard Coble. They do whatever Jack Valenti and I say. Being a billionaire has its privileges.

Uncoveror: Mickey Mouse is a cultural icon. He is known throughout the world. You did not create him, Walt Disney did. Since Walt is gone, why shouldn't Mickey Mouse be in the public domain? It disturbs many people to hear you call him your property. They feel Mickey Mouse belongs to all the world.

picture: mikey mouse?Eisner: I don't give a damn what some commie subversives think. The mouse is mine! To clearly demonstrate this fact, I will be changing his name to Mikey Mouse, after me.

Uncoveror: This decision cannot be popular. What have your employees said about it?

Eisner: Everyone in the boardroom cheered me on. There have been some rumblings about this at lower levels, but the whiners, like that old codger Roy Disney, will be fired. There is no room here for anyone who doesn't "get it" that I am the boss.

Uncoveror: Well! I am completely taken aback. No more Mickey Mouse, he's now Mikey Mouse. I still need to ask about the workers in sweatshops you are allegedly paying pennies on the hour to, and the workers whom you have allegedly underpaid right here in America.

Eisner: Low pay? They should be paying me for the privilege of working in any capacity for the Magic Kingdom. I don't like your attitude, young man. This interview is over!

At that point, Eisner summoned security, and our reporter was physically thrown out of the building. The local police were waiting outside, and arrested him for "disorderly conduct" Our Chief Editor had to bail him out of jail.

Soon, The Michael Eisner Corporation will be producing cartoons featuring Mikey Mouse. You read it here first.

HOME