MAN VS. MACHINE CHESS IS A HOAX

It made news worldwide in May of 1997 when chess master Garry Kasparov was defeated by an IBM built computer called Deep Blue. It was news again this year as he took on another machine called Deep Junior. This six game match ended in a 3-3 draw on February 7. 

Something shocking has come to our attention that even Kasparov does not know. The recent matches were a hoax, and so were the ones with Deep Blue in 97. He was really playing against another man, not a machine.

When Garry Kasparov lost to Deep Blue, he cried foul. He claimed that the contest was a sham. Human players, not the computer, were making key moves. The Grand Master could never prove his allegations, but he was right to suspect something, especially since Deep Blue was promptly disassembled after the match. Bobby Fischer was the one who had really beaten him, and the machine was only a prop. This time around, his real opponent was Boris Spassky.

Why would such a hoax be perpetuated? One reason is that other chess masters are extremely jealous of Kasparov, and want to embarrass him. Another is that computer companies such as IBM, Microsoft, and smaller players in the industry hope to obtain government grants and private funding for research and development. Most of all, they want to land lucrative military contracts. Since chess requires complex strategy, much like an actual war, they are betting that the game will be a perfect way to draw the attention of the military-industrial complex.

We spoke with an avid chess player and computer enthusiast, who told us everything on the condition of anonymity. "Kasparov is such an arrogant man," said our source, "he loves to intimidate his opponents by leering at them across the board. So many of us were dying to show him up. When IBM approached us about the Deep Blue hoax, we loved the idea, and agreed to help. The hardest part was getting Bobby Fischer on board. He is a recluse, and his mental state is way beyond simple eccentricity. We repeatedly pointed out that Kasparov had beaten many records he had set, and this was his chance to defeat Kasparov without having to face the public, or answer questions, especially those the US Authorities would have for him. Amir Ban and Shay Bushinsky, the men behind Deep Junior, are hoping to become giants in computer research. Both are brilliant men, but few outside the inner circles have even heard of them. They want to change that. This time, the chess players approached the computer experts. Although Deep Junior has beaten chess masters like Vladimir Kramnic, we were able to convince them that its programming was not quite right for Kasparov's playing style. We came to an agreement: The computer people get their publicity, and we in the chess community get another chance to jerk Garry Kasparov's chain. We got Boris Spassky to do the actual chess playing because we think his style will throw off Kasparov, and he can win. Besides, Boris has an off the wall sense of humor. He was amused by the way Kasparov lost his cool in 1997, and would love to see him really go off. If he were to start swearing, or kick over the chessboard, that would give us all a big laugh! This plan can work even if Kasparov wins, as long as he does not sweep it." You read it here first.

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