THE
UNCOVERORRevealing the things they don't want you to know.
It's the real news!
THE
UNCOVEROR
WHO IS THE IDIOT WHO CAME UP WITH GLOSSY SCREENS?
 We just got new laptops here at The Uncoveror, and I hate them. These new glossy
screens have to be the dumbest thing since the
CueCat or Microsoft Bob. Look at this picture! I can see the light fixture above
me and the window behind me like I am looking in a mirror,
but the image on the screen? Not so much.... I have been looking for some kind of anti-glare filter to put over this screen since the day the purchasing department foisted these glorious marvels of modern technology upon us, and no one seems to make one. How could anyone think that we would like these awful screens? Read More |
MOTHER'S DAY IS NOT WIVES DAY
 Between
advertisements by the jewelry industry and self-obsessed modern women, far too
many men are lavishing their wives with expensive gifts on Mother's Day.
Sometimes they don't even try to pretend it is from the kids any more. They have
forgotten what this day was created for. |
MCCAIN ANNOUNCES HIS RUNNING MATE: DICK CHENEY
 Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain has announced his running mate:
current VP Dick Cheney. When asked about his choice, The Senator form Arizona
had this to say: "There are no term limits for Vice President, and we need
continuity to stay on track, so I will have Dick Cheney as my second in command
when I am Commander In Chief just as President Bush has these nearly 8 years.
With Dick Cheney at my side, I know we can beat the terrorists in Iraq
responsible for 9/11. We will stay the course even if it takes a century." |
EDITORIAL: HANDICAPPED SHOPPING CARTS ARE BEING ABUSED
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WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! KILLER ASTEROID TO HIT EARTH IN 2036
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NEW YORK GIANTS ARE THE CHEATER DEFEATERS
 The New England Patriots bid for a perfect season ended today when the
New York Giants defeated them 17 to 14 in Super Bowl XLII.
Defense was the key to the Giants victory. Tom Brady was sacked five times, and fumbled once when Justin Tuck hit him. He never had time to work.
I guess this is what it looks like when the Patriots don't know in advance what an opposing defense is about to throw at them. They certainly had
no spying eyes behind the Giants bench with the extra scrutiny Spygate has brought upon them.
...The 1972 Dolphins perfect season remains unmatched. If the Patriots had pulled it off, it would have been a dark day for all of us who play fair, and try to teach kids to respect the rules of the game. It would have taught kids everywhere that the rules are for suckers, and cheating is the way to get ahead. Instead, the old saying that cheaters never prosper rings true. The New England Patriots ended their season a less than perfect 18-1. World Champions in Super Bowl XLII, The New York Giants are the cheater defeaters. It was like an old-time western. The good guys always win. Read More |
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS ON DISPLAY AT REPUBLICAN DEBATE On Thursday, January 10, 2008 before the South Carolina
primary, the Republican candidates debated in Myrtle Beach. The event was
televised by Fox News.
...After a while, a question from the audience was allowed. A man asked: "You have talked a lot about your religious faith, but to many of us this seems like mere lip service ... What will you do to demonstrate that you are indeed believers, and you are not just pandering to Christian voters?" Read More |
MADAME LAROQUE'S PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS UNSEALED
At the end of 2006, famed New Orleans psychic, Madame Sophia
LaRoque made her predictions for 2007. These were then sealed up in a bank vault
for the year. Now that 2008 is here, we open her sealed prophesy to see if her
predictions came true.
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CONGRESS BARS NASA FROM MARS MISSIONS |
CHINA'S WAR ON US WITHOUT FIRING A SHOT |
BRITNEY SPEARS HAS COOTIES |
CINCINNATI BENGALS UNVEIL NEW UNIFORMS
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GERALDO RIVERA TO OPEN SADDAM HUSSEIN'S VAULTS
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REPUBLICAN PLAYBOOK STOLEN FROM WHITE HOUSE
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PROFESSOR WOULD MOVE CHRISTMAS
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ELMO BUSTED FOR SMUGGLING METH
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ED E DRUCKMAN SAYS WHAT OTHERS WON'T
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I am going to use this column to speak my peace about something that really
irritates me: Lazy fat people hogging the handicapped shopping carts. When
genuinely disabled people come to shop, there are often none available. I have
watched in disgust as genuinely disabled folks struggle to shop in their
wheelchairs with a basket across their lap, or a regular cart in front of their
wheelchair. You may have seen them too. People who are able bodied need to get
up, get a regular cart, and push it.
Apophis, an asteroid that will pass terribly close to earth in 2029, and even
closer in 2036 has been in the news lately. According to NASA and the European
Space Agency, there is a 1 in 45000 that this giant space rock will hit the
earth. Recently, a 13 year old boy in Germany named Nico Marquardt checked their
math for a school science project and found that there were two extra zeroes at
the end of NASA's figure. He calculated the odds as 1 in 450. If only it were
that unlikely.
The US Congress does not want NASA to consider any manned mission to Mars. They
are writing this ban into HR 3093, an appropriations bill that includes NASA's
2008 budget. The bill states that NASA may not pursue "development or
demonstration activity related exclusively to Human Exploration of Mars." The
language of the bill goes on to say why... "NASA has too much on its plate
already, and the President is welcome to include adequate funding for the Human
Mars Initiative in a budget amendment or subsequent year funding requests."
You are bound to have heard or read about defective and dangerous Chinese products by now. You may have been tempted to write it off as greedy businessmen trying to
grab a quick Yuan, the inevitable result of China embracing capitalism and a market economy. After all, didn't the greedy robber barons of the 19th century pull stuff
like this? That is not what is going on at all! China has silently declared war on the United States and many other nations. They are using unorthodox methods of attack
that we will not fight back against effectively, since we do not even realize we are under attack.
Ooh,
gross! Look at Britney's ugly bald head. She got cooties, and they made her hair
fall out, but who did she get them from? It probably wasn't Kevin Federline,
cause he's been out of her house for a long time now, but someone gave them to
her. Maybe it was Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. Britney's been hanging out with
them for a while. 
They say a tiger can't change his stripes, but The Cincinnati Bengals are doing it.
With the arrest of Jonathan Joseph for Marijuana possession, they have more players arrested than
wins this season. Rather than deny that this has happened, or try in vain to change it, team management
has decided to embrace their new image as the bad boys of the NFL. They are switching from tiger
stripes to prison stripes. 
The
former Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein shared a confession in his last day of
captivity with American forces before he was turned over the the Iraqi
government for execution. He had hidden millions in looted treasures deep in a
sealed sub-basement below The Baghdad Hotel, and it was still there if some
enterprising urban spelunkers wanted to look for it. 
The
Republican Party publishes a little red book detailing their electoral
strategies, dirty tricks and all. It was meant for their eyes only. During a
visit to the White House, Andy Borowitz found President Bush's personal copy
which had been carelessly misplaced, and nabbed it. This copy of The
Republican Playbook, once belonging to our fearless leader himself, has now
been republished exactly as it was when Andy found it: liner notes, doodles and
all. 
I recently spoke with Dr. Michael Ackley, a Professor of Religious Studies at
Brandine University. He says that we are observing Christmas on the wrong day,
and that his studies have uncovered the actual date of Jesus' birth: February
29, aka Leap Day. I interviewed him about this.
Sesame Street's Elmo has been caught doing something that no true children's role model would ever do:
smuggling
methamphetamine into Colorado from California. The little red miscreant was among 19 muppets in custody and two who are
still at large, authorities said. They are assumed to be armed and dangerous.
Courtesy of Unconfirmed sources, Ed E. Druckman has something to say and doesn't hold it back, unlike the talking heads in the mainstream media who don't
dare to say anything that might offend an advertiser. The Cowards!